Wow wtf is in those mushrooms?

Mushrooms are having a moment. They’ve graduated beyond just “food” or those blacklight posters stashed in the back of Spencer’s Gifts and moved into pop culture, terrifying science news, and tech-bro health-influencer bullshit.

(Fly agaric is poison; don’t blame me if you order from some sketchy website and go blind or whatever.)

So it wasn’t super surprising to see Instagram ads for some magical capsules formulated with 18 of the smartest mushrooms or something similar; these products are a dime a dozen. Usually they include things like “lion’s mane,” “cordyceps,” and “reishi,” which a cursory Googling tells me are the species of fungus most in vogue with Joe Rogan types looking to gorilla-size their brains or whatever.

And hey — maybe they work! I don’t think they do, but I’m just some asshole who’s not trying to sell mushroom pills.

But Covid (remember Covid?) stressed all of us out beyond our normal max, and going back has proven a challenge despite our government insisting everything’s fine now. I now work from home, which is super convenient, but also means that my desk is like, eight feet from my bed. That makes shaking off the day’s stress a lot harder, and I can only run through so many Tuesday night beers before my wife starts asking questions. So I thought I’d investigate these ‘shrooms.

Sure it’s won a NEXTY award, but what do the experts at have to say?

“Tune in to a sense of joy” is some A-tier level puffery, so props to whatever copywriter managed to scam that past legal. What exactly makes a mushroom “precision-targeted?” Is it laser-guided? Are these some kind of homing mushroom born with the instinct to just head right to my pleasure centers? We may never know, but they support the natural production of oxytocin and boost the mind-body connection! That can’t be bad!

But how will they make me feel?

I’m Midwest repressed. You’re not making me feel “open” without a crowbar.

Hmmm…what I wouldn’t give to be confident enough to hold a sparkler, present enough to not get lost in the forest again, and open enough to…touch a lady? Well those are all vaguely positive words, I suppose. I’m in! I had no idea weird little dirt penises could evoke such positive feelings! How do I use them, exactly?

“Hey whaddya say we tune in to a sense of joy in about a half hour?”
“I’d rather just watch Severance.”

Okay, two to four capsules a day. I can handle that. Oooh and you can stack it with a microdose or a…Sunbeam? I know that’s obviously another pill they’re shilling but it did make me wonder what kind of hippie bullshit this is that assumes I have time to just curl up in a sunbeam. I’m stressed! Wait, “alcohol alternative?” That’ll shut my wife up alleviate my loving partner’s concerns.

But what’s in this stuff? My body’s a temple, after all. Sure it’s one of those run-down temples in the city covered in graffiti and no one’s swept up the Coors Light cans in a few weeks, but it’s still a temple.

“No, it’s affron®. Totally different.”

I really want to know the process behind these goofballs registering a trademark for a spice. But okay, it’s got saffron. That’s fancy. And expensive! That means it’s gotta be good. I had no idea mushrooms could help my mood, and now you’re telling me flower vaginas can do the same thing?

Mushrooms and saffron! It’s so simple, it’s brilliant. All-natural. Elegant. As mother earth intended-

But trust us, the mushrooms do the heavy lifting.

Ah, I see.

So mushrooms are the new health craze, and can help stabilize your moods. All you need to do is package them with Lithium, which I’m guessing is just in there as like a preservative or something? So long as it doesn’t interfere with the magic of the mushrooms, I’m sure it’s fine.





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